There comes a point on the path of personal growth, healing, spirituality, health, and self-development where you can know a tremendous amount about yourself, understand where your patterns came from, recognize your triggers, meditate, eat well, read the books, go to therapy, work with coaches, attend retreats, learn how the nervous system works, and still find yourself asking a very frustrating question, why am I still doing this?
Why do I still people please when I know I need boundaries, why do I still overwork when I know I need rest, why do I still turn to food, alcohol, work, social media, validation, or some other behavior when I’m stressed, why do I still become afraid, angry, shut down, control, procrastinate, overthink, or repeat the same relationship patterns when I already understand so much about myself, why do I know what I want, and still feel like something is holding me back from fully living it?
I have seen this again and again over the past twenty years working with people in health, healing, spirituality, personal growth, leadership, addiction, and human potential. Often, the problem is not that we don’t know enough, the problem is that what we consciously know is not always what is unconsciously shaping how we live.
We can consciously believe we are worthy, while still living like we have something to prove, we can consciously know we need better boundaries, while our nervous system still experiences saying no as a threat to love, connection, or belonging, we can consciously want abundance, while carrying beliefs that make receiving uncomfortable, and we can consciously want to stop a behavior, while another part of us still believes that behavior is providing something important.
This is one of the central ideas behind The AWAKEN Process™, the deeper work is not simply learning more, it is uncovering what is still operating underneath what we already know.
We All Adapt
From the time we are very young, we are constantly learning, we learn what gets us love, what gets approval, what makes people angry, what keeps conflict away, what helps us feel safe, what helps us belong, what gets us noticed, what keeps us from feeling rejected, and what helps us deal with pain, stress, uncertainty, loneliness, boredom, fear, grief, or overwhelm.
Some of these lessons are taught directly, others are never spoken. A child may never consciously think, “My value depends on achievement,” and yet learn very quickly that accomplishment gets attention. A child may never think, “I am responsible for everyone else’s feelings,” yet grow up in a home where they are constantly managing the emotional environment. Someone may never consciously decide, “It’s unsafe to be vulnerable,” but after enough disappointment, rejection, criticism, instability, or loss, being strong can become the safest way to live.
These adaptations are not necessarily bad, many of them are incredibly intelligent, they may help us survive difficult circumstances, become successful, develop discipline, learn independence, care deeply for others, build businesses, become leaders, raise families, accomplish meaningful things, and get through periods of our lives that required enormous strength.
But something that helped us adapt in one stage of life can become the very thing limiting us in another, and this is where we begin to see what I call Borrowed Beliefs, Binding Behaviors, and Adaptive Addictions.
Borrowed Beliefs
Borrowed Beliefs are beliefs, conclusions, rules, and ideas about ourselves and life that we accumulated through our experiences, often without ever consciously choosing them.
They may sound like:
- I’m not good enough
- I have to prove myself
- I have to be strong
- I can’t disappoint people
- I’m responsible for everyone
- My needs come second
- I can only rely on myself
- I have to stay in control
- If I stop, everything will fall apart
- I have to earn love
- I have to work hard to be valuable
- Rest is lazy
- Success requires sacrifice
- It isn’t safe to fully be myself
- I’m too much
- Something is wrong with me
The challenge is that these beliefs don’t simply stay in our thoughts, they can influence our relationships, nervous system, emotions, choices, behavior, what we tolerate, what we avoid, what we believe we deserve, and what we think is possible for us.
A belief can eventually become an unconscious contract, if I achieve, I’m valuable, if I help everyone, I belong, if I keep everything under control, I’m safe, if nobody is disappointed in me, I won’t lose connection, if I stay strong, I won’t get hurt.
Then we begin organizing our lives around fulfilling those contracts.
Binding Behaviors
The behaviors that grow out of these beliefs can become what I call Binding Behaviors, people pleasing, perfectionism, overworking, overgiving, controlling, avoiding, procrastinating, suppressing emotions, staying too long in unhealthy situations, never asking for help, constantly fixing other people’s problems, putting everyone else first, difficulty receiving, constant self-improvement, always needing to be productive.
And this is important, a Binding Behavior does not have to look destructive. A positive behavior can become binding too.
Working hard can be a beautiful quality, caring for people can be beautiful, exercise can be healthy, discipline can be incredibly useful, achievement can be meaningful, spiritual practice can change our lives.
The question is not simply whether something is good or bad, the deeper question is, am I choosing this, or do I feel like I have to do it?
Giving is different when we genuinely want to give versus when we feel guilty if we don’t, achievement is different when we enjoy creating versus when success has become how we prove our worth, exercise is different when we care for our body versus when missing a workout makes us feel ashamed, helping others is different when it comes from love versus when we believe everyone’s wellbeing is our responsibility.
The behavior may look exactly the same from the outside, but the internal driver can be completely different.
Adaptive Addictions
Sometimes we also develop things we repeatedly turn toward because they help us regulate how we feel, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, social media, shopping, work, exercise, achievement, validation, relationships, busyness, entertainment, and many other behaviors can become things we repeatedly rely on for safety, relief, comfort, stimulation, escape, connection, belonging, numbness, or control.
I call these Adaptive Addictions because the behavior usually makes more sense when we understand what it is doing for us.
Food may create comfort, alcohol may create relief, achievement may create worth, validation may create acceptance, people pleasing may create belonging, control may create a temporary sense of safety, overworking may keep us from feeling things we don’t want to feel, avoidance may protect us from failure.
So instead of immediately asking, “Why can’t I stop doing this?” I like to ask, “What has this been trying to do for me?”
- What does it give me?
- What does it help me avoid?
- What feeling does it change?
- What need is underneath it?
- What does some part of me believe would happen if I stopped?
- What would I have to feel if I didn’t have this behavior?
Sometimes the answer is loneliness, fear, boredom, grief, shame, helplessness, worthlessness, uncertainty, or simply a feeling we have never learned how to sit with.
When we understand the function of a pattern, the pattern begins to make sense, and when it makes sense, we don’t have to hate ourselves in order to change.
What If You’re Not Self-Sabotaging?
I think we use the phrase self-sabotage too easily.
We often say, “I know what I want, but I keep sabotaging myself.”
Maybe, but often there is something more compassionate and useful going on, what if you are not self-sabotaging, what if some part of you is self-protecting with an outdated strategy?
The person procrastinating may not be lazy, a part of them may associate moving forward with failure, exposure, judgment, responsibility, or change. The person overworking may not simply be ambitious, a part may have learned that productivity equals worth. The person people pleasing may not lack confidence, a part may have learned that disappointing someone threatens connection. The person constantly controlling everything may not simply be difficult, a part may be terrified of helplessness.
This does not mean we justify every behavior or keep doing things that hurt us, it means we stop turning ourselves into the enemy, and that can change everything.
Sometimes Our Greatest Strengths Become Our Protectors
This is something I have seen repeatedly, the traits that helped someone become successful can eventually become the exact traits exhausting them.
The Achiever, the Strong One, the Caregiver, the Fixer, the Responsible One, the Perfectionist, the Independent One, the Leader, the one everybody can count on.
There is nothing wrong with strength, achievement, leadership, responsibility, independence, or service, the question is whether we still have a choice.
Can I be strong and still ask for help, can I succeed and still rest, can I serve without sacrificing myself, can I lead without controlling everything, can I care without carrying everybody, can I achieve without needing achievement to tell me I’m enough?
The goal is not to destroy these parts of ourselves, it is to free the gift from the fear driving it.
- Strength without rigidity
- Achievement without proving
- Care without carrying
- Leadership without control
- Excellence without perfectionism
- Independence without isolation
You Can Understand the Pattern and Still Be Controlled by It
This is where a lot of people in personal growth become frustrated, they already understand themselves, they know where the pattern came from, they can explain their childhood, they know they need boundaries, they know they deserve love, they know they should rest, they know what they need to do for their health, they know what their therapist said, they know they are not their thoughts.
But then life happens, someone rejects them, the business gets stressful, the relationship feels uncertain, a health scare happens, somebody is disappointed, they feel overwhelmed, and suddenly the old pattern is right back.
This is what I call the knowing-doing gap.
The conscious mind says, “I’m safe,” but the nervous system says, “No, we’re not.” The conscious mind says, “I can say no,” but the body feels guilt and fear. The conscious mind says, “I don’t need to prove myself,” and then they work until midnight.
This is why information is not always enough, sometimes we don’t need another strategy, we need integration.
AWAKEN: Who Are You Beneath the Pattern?
The AWAKEN Process does not stop at changing beliefs and behaviors, eventually there is a deeper question, who am I beneath everything I learned I had to be?
We often become so identified with our adaptations that we assume they are who we are, I’m anxious, I’m a perfectionist, I’m the responsible one, I’m an addict, I’m the strong one, I’m an overthinker, I’m just someone who can’t slow down.
But there is an important shift that can begin to happen.
Instead of, “I am the pattern,” we begin to recognize, “I have a pattern.”
Then, “A part of me believes this is necessary.”
Then, “I can observe this part.”
And eventually, “If I can observe it, it cannot be the totality of who I am.”
You have thoughts, but you are not limited to your thoughts, you have beliefs, but you are not your beliefs, you experience emotions, but no single emotion defines who you are, you have a past, but your past does not have to become your entire identity, you have patterns, but those patterns are not all that you are.
This is where emotional healing and spiritual awakening can come together.
Healing says, this happened to me, it mattered, and it deserves compassion.
Awakening says, and what happened to me is not the totality of who I am.
We need both.
The Goal Is Not to Become a Better Version of Yourself Forever
Personal development can become its own trap, we can spend twenty years trying to improve ourselves and quietly reinforce the belief, I’m still not okay yet.
The next course, the next book, the next retreat, the next practitioner, the next protocol, the next breakthrough, the next spiritual experience.
There comes a point where maybe the next stage of growth is not becoming more, maybe it is putting down what we were never meant to carry forever.
Maybe it is not becoming somebody new, maybe it is discovering who we are beneath everything we learned we had to become.
CREATE: What Do You Choose Now?
When awareness grows, we begin creating something incredibly valuable, space.
We can notice a belief without immediately believing it, feel fear without automatically obeying it, recognize a craving without immediately acting on it, experience someone’s disappointment without immediately abandoning ourselves, notice the protector without letting it make every decision.
Inside that space is agency, and inside agency is choice.
This is what I mean by conscious creation.
Not controlling everything that happens, because we cannot.
Life changes, people leave, bodies get sick, businesses struggle, loved ones die, plans change, things happen that we would never choose.
Conscious creation means increasing the degree to which our lives are shaped by conscious choice instead of unconscious conditioning.
We begin asking:
- How do I want to love?
- How do I want to lead?
- What do I want to build?
- What do I want my relationship with money to be?
- How do I want to care for my body?
- Where do I need a boundary?
- Where do I need courage?
- What am I willing to receive?
- Where am I giving because I genuinely want to give, and where am I giving because I’m afraid not to?
- What do I actually want now?
That is creation.
From Protection to Freedom
The simplest way I can describe the journey is from protection to freedom.
Freedom doesn’t mean never feeling fear, freedom is experiencing fear without fear making every decision.
Freedom doesn’t mean never having a craving, freedom is having more choice around how you respond.
Freedom doesn’t mean becoming less ambitious, freedom means ambition can come from vision instead of proving.
Freedom doesn’t mean never caring what people think, freedom means another person’s opinion does not automatically require you to abandon yourself.
Freedom doesn’t mean getting rid of every protector, freedom means the protectors no longer need to run the entire system.
And the beautiful thing is that when protection does not consume so much of our energy, something else becomes available, more joy, more love, more creativity, more rest, more play, more connection, more receiving, more courage, more intimacy, more purpose, more aliveness.
People don’t only want less anxiety, they want more life.
UNCOVER. AWAKEN. CREATE.
This is the foundation of The AWAKEN Process.
UNCOVER is about asking what has been unconsciously shaping my life, what beliefs have I been living from, what patterns keep repeating, what is this behavior doing for me, what is my nervous system trying to protect me from, what did I learn I had to become?
AWAKEN is about asking who am I beneath those beliefs, roles, fears, stories, and identities, can I stay present with myself, can I stop treating myself as the enemy, can I recognize the awareness beneath everything changing within me?
CREATE is about asking, now that I can see the pattern and I have more choice, how do I want to live, what do I want to create in my health, relationships, work, abundance, purpose, happiness, and contribution, what happens when I create from freedom instead of protection?
That is the journey, not becoming perfect, not never being triggered, not endlessly fixing ourselves, but becoming more conscious, more free, more aligned, more alive, and more able to live as who we truly are.
Is Something Still Holding You Back?
If you have already done a lot of work on yourself, you understand a lot, you’ve grown tremendously, and yet there is still a pattern, behavior, relationship dynamic, fear, health challenge, addiction, emotional reaction, or area of life where you know you are not fully free, I created a simple next step for you.
Fill out The AWAKEN Assessment and take a few minutes to look honestly at what may still be shaping your life beneath the surface, then if it looks like The AWAKEN Process may be a good fit for where you are, you can book a free call with me.
We’ll talk about what you want to change or create, what you have already tried, what keeps repeating, and what may actually be happening underneath the pattern, no pressure, no need to prove anything, just an opportunity to look deeper and see whether this work makes sense for you.
UNCOVER. AWAKEN. CREATE.